Looking Back
Looking back on the notes I had taken within 6 years of time, during which I tried to learn the war-prepper mindset (& failed), is low-key satisfying.
There was a largely invisible mental barrier I could not overcome. I couldn't size up the threat properly, so I imagined and played pretend. Perhaps it was because my brain wasn't biologically ready to bid farewell to the teenage soul and become an adult and face consequences.
Right now I feel like I have a perfect blend of the two: the teenager and the young adult, the creative identity and the prepper persona, the artistic soul and the guardian spirit. Something just clicked; I am more ready than that version of wanderer-me in the past 5 years, yet I feel I have a lot to catch up. The difference is this grounding whisper:
"It'll not be in vain. Trust the process. Love what you must. Focus on the essentials."
It's as if, the moment I stopped betraying myself and worked on my existential problems, was the begining of my becoming. Maybe my CPTSD has come to a near end. Maybe I can face all sorts of trauma and challenges in a safe environment and recover faster. Higher. Further.
I am loved, am able to give love. I know the world is unforgivingly cruel. That's why I'm here. I have something to give.
Or perhaps I am being self-efficiently delusional. If it works it works.